Out of Office - PMDD
Over the last three years my work environment, as for most people has changed. Working from home sounded great - no commute, staying in my pajamas, not worrying about being late, and doing life admin in my lunch breaks, and having the extra time from the commute to learn, read, bake, exercise etc.
However, the past three years have coincided with the worst PMDD, with increased intensity and frequency of symptoms. I found that as my symptoms descended during the luteal stage, insecurity, suicidal ideation, paranoia, drop in confidence, lack of motivation, and ruminating, all increased while I was working from home. I especially felt the loneliness. I found it hard with a lack of direct support/contact and felt incredibly lonely and isolated in my job. I was struggling, and this showed in the tone of my emails and affected my work relationships. I became a person I did not recognize and who was not me. Work had always been a safe place for me, but not anymore.
I was experiencing thoughts and situations that were novel and increasing in frequency. I was making myself vulnerable at work. I was in a cycle because I was losing confidence and self-worth, I was not enjoying my job and knew it was not helping my well-being but I didn’t think I was good enough for a new job. I felt I was picking up the pieces and unable to put them all back once my period started. There was no break from the thoughts as my work and home merged.
I was in a cycle of lack of self-worth and no confidence to leave. I felt strangely safe being uncomfortable - better the devil you know - but knowing I needed to leave job for my well-being and recovery.
This experience made me realize that I do not want to be defined by my job, and has given me the confidence to think I can develop, and that I am good enough. I started slowly having counseling and coaching, learning a language, and learning to dance, There were moments where I felt I went backwards but it all helped give me a new perspective and push me out of my comfort zone. It gave me the confidence to apply for jobs.
I had many job interviews and sometimes the feedback was tough but I kept going. I discovered I needed a commute to wind down and decompress, and to do things I enjoy like reading and listening to podcasts. I like having separation from home and work. I thrive on the connection at work to keep me from living in my head, bursting my thoughts, and sometimes showing me the reality. I like it when my colleagues motivate me and I have a laugh with them, and when they provide assurance and support me when I am in the midst of PMDD. I need structure and a routine, especially during the peak of PMDD.
I learned so much through this tough period about persevering, and gaining new coping skills, as well as a better understanding of my PMDD. It is still a learning process but this disorder is not holding me back. I have friends who have my back and who have been cheerleaders and that has helped. I realize more work needs to be done about education at work and making adjustments. I protect myself. I have discovered a new me who is stronger and will persevere. I test my limits and push myself. I have a new job now (and a lengthy commute!) and I am looking forward and excited for the challenge ahead.
I now go with the flow and try and give myself a break. Am I where I want to be? No, but I am enjoying the discovery and taking the risks. There are times when I am reminded I have PMDD. The last three years have pushed me to change careers, look after myself, and gain confidence in different ways.
If this is what I can do when I am at my worst then what can I do when I am at my best?
This is an anonymous blog, but when asked what advice the author would give to another person living with PMDD, they said: “If I could give any advice, it would be that in the darkest moments, remember that you are not who are you are when experiencing PMDD. Living with PMDD you have an inner strength that no one sees.”
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