My Life with PMDD
My first period started at the age of eleven, and my mental state since then can easily be described as an “emotional wreck”. On a monthly basis, I've been sucked into a deep, dark hole, battling feelings of uselessness and worthlessness. And then miraculously, a couple of weeks later, I would feel happy and bubbly again but tainted by guilt from the painful events or conversations I had set in motion the weeks before, and exhausted from the depth of the emotion I had encountered.
My parents took me to see a doctor very early on. I remember sitting in her office, clutching my soft toy duck tightly to my chest. I had no idea what she was going to say, or if she would even take me seriously. However, she immediately spotted my cyclical pattern of low mood and suggested it could be caused by my monthly hormonal fluctuations. She prescribed me a contraceptive pill, explaining that it might dampen the effect.
So began a period of trial and error. Some pills made my low mood even worse and one made me vomit every morning. It was hard to discern whether the doctor’s diagnosis had in fact been correct, as I was still a sobbing mess on a regular basis. As an alternative, belt-and-braces approach, I was also referred for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT). My parents came along, standing by in the waiting room, hoping this would prove to be my cure. But I found the CBT completely bizarre; I instinctively knew the darkness went much deeper than simply following the steps on the information sheet he’d given me. And I was right, even though I gave it a good go. To top it off, my one and only appointment was at a point where I was actually feeling pretty good! I remember acknowledging to myself that he was seriously failing to grasp the gravity of my situation.
As I got older, my low mood became more of a burden on the people around me. I was called ‘hard work’ and ‘sensitive’ more often than I care to remember. I lost friendships, endured damaging, toxic relationships, and had managers at work tell others to not take me on their team. I don’t dare count the number of times I would uncontrollably burst into tears in a public setting, with people either rushing over to help or, more often, steering well clear.
In my late twenties, I sought therapy as a final straw. I tried a number of different therapists before I found one who really seemed to get me. Over the following years, she helped me unpick a buried, traumatic childhood and supported me as I healed my inner child. We worked through the repercussions of the trauma, and I gradually stopped blaming myself for all the rubbish I’d endured at the hands of others.
I was finally on the up, but my monthly cycles still dragged me down. By now, I had found a contraceptive pill that balanced me out somewhat. But then I went to collect it from the chemist one day and discovered it had been discontinued. I was shocked, distraught, and adrift. The alternative pill they offered me made my low mood even worse, although I tried it for quite a few months. It suddenly hit me head-on that I was back to square one. I decided to let my cycles become natural at the age of 38, and the pattern of hell returned with a vengeance.
And so enter 2023. During some internet searching about a completely different topic, I fell across Mind’s website and a page about a condition called premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD). Reading through the explanation and symptoms, and watching the video of a lady talking through her own experience, tears of relief started streaming down my face. This was me! This was actually me. I could finally put a label on my suffering. Maybe I wasn’t broken after all. And I definitely wasn’t alone.
I decided to see a private gynaecologist immediately (I couldn’t bear the thought of waiting any longer for NHS appointments and referrals). She listened to me and could clearly see I was at my wit’s end. I explained my previous treatments to her and how they’d failed. She prescribed me Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) to balance my hormonal fluctuations. I’ve now been on this for around 9 months and I think my mood has improved. I’m also tracking my cycles closely, watching my body for symptoms that indicate whether I’m in my Follicular or Luteal phase. This helps me feel more in control as I now understand what my body is doing and why (which I’m ashamed to say I had no clue about before - where is the education for young girls about this?!). I go easy on myself, accept that I have this condition, and let the tears come when they need to.
I do still have low days, and “crying breakdowns” a few times every month, but I’ve realised they aren’t always cycle-related. My low mood can also triggered by my past trauma rearing its ugly head. And this is something I continue to work on with my therapist.
If this resonates with you, please don’t give up. There is hope out there, and people and treatments who can help. It just might take a while to find them.
Meet Amy: “Hi, I’m Amy - a Social Scientist, a Personal Trainer, a volunteer for many wildlife charities, and now a writer. PMDD has caused lots of twists and turns in my life, but I've continuously worked on myself, with the hope that one day things will get better. And they have. I live in Dorset with my wonderful partner and his two children.”
Find Amy here:
Medium (paid subscription required)
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